"A life lived in fear is a life half lived"
Hello!
I recently have basically finished college (for the second time) and I feel a lot better finishing college this time around. The last time I finished college, I applied to university, I got offers...and then I turned them all down. The main reason for that is I wasn't entirely sure on the subjects I was doing at that college in terms of did I want to study them at a higher level, and I wasn't sure if I was really going to enjoy my university experience if I was studying those subjects.
Notice how I said that was the main reason. The other reason I think is largely to my anxiety. I feel so insanely ridiculous saying that - mainly because I know people I am no longer friends with will read this and want to scream at me for being such a chicken - but also because I have come so far with my anxiety since then.
I am so so glad that I went to another college and tried out another subject - Medical Science - which I love more than any of the subjects at the previous college, because now, leaving college for the second time, I have almost learnt how to handle my anxiety (I mean I'm still learning every day, of course!) and I have found my feet and feel a lot happier and certain on what I'm aiming to do at university (children's nursing), the universities I have applied for, the one university I have an offer from and want to go to, and who I am as a person.
Okay so that last bit may sound a little cliched and cheesy, but hear me out. So I am 19 going on 20 at the time in which I am writing this, and when I finished college 2 years ago for the first time, near enough all of my friends went to university, and those who took a gap year went to university the year after - when I was still at college. Although most people will agree that initially I seem like an outgoing person, the more you get to know me, the more you realise that yes, I can be outgoing, but my anxiety can skyrocket and I tend to sometimes hide in the shadows of my friends. Since my friends all went to uni and I went to another college, one where this time I knew no one...I had no shadows to hide in. It was just me. Yes this terrified me slightly, and anxiety skyrocketed the first few months of college...but then I settled in to myself, I made new friends - whose shadows I did not hide in and I was able to successfully find my own feet.
As a consequence of that, I no longer hide in the shadows of anyone and can proudly say I am my own person, and this academic year particularly, I have become a lot braver. I played main roles in an amateur show, I took up a ballet class where I knew nothing and no-one, I started talking to strangers more, I applied for university for a course I am passionate about and in a city I love, I signed up for a skydive, and potentially most importantly...I grew a freaking backbone.
That's not to say I let people walk all over me like a backbone, but I try at all costs to avoid confrontation. I hate it. If someone said something that offended me, or said something I didn't understand or agree with, then I wouldn't say anything or just leave it to save the hassle. Now, I use my words and speak up about what I think. Sometimes this leads to healthy discussions with people, sometimes this leads to heated discussions and sometimes this leads to arguments. I hate the latter, but that is normally because it starts off as a discussion, and the person I am having the discussion with is so opposed to other peoples' views and opinions that aren't their own, that they just start attacking me and shutting me down.
Sure, that's not fun, but hey, that's life. People are like that. And I look at what I am like now and I am happy. I still have a long way to go, my anxiety is still all-too-present, and I still make mistakesyearly monthly weekly daily hourly...but I can learn from them.
And that leads us back to the title of this post. So that is a quote found in 'All I Know Now' a book written by the madly talented Carrie Hope Fletcher (I think that's right? Correct me if I am wrong! Also I recommend the book highly!) and I think it highly resonates with me. It's only now, when I no longer hide in shadows of friends and I sign up for things that I never would have done 4 years ago - skydives being a good example - that I realise that the way I used to be...I can't really call it living. I mean of course it was living and I still have amazing memories from back then...but because I was living with constant anxiety and worries, I wasn't really able to truly live and appreciate life itself.
And that doesn't man I have no anxiety and worries now - of course I do, and everyone has worries, but I'm a lot better at handling it so I can enjoy life for what it is now.
I know this was a rambly and long-winded post, but I really enjoyed writing it. I don't want my blog to feel restricted - I want to post what I want, and I view my blog as more of an open journal that everyone can read at their own leisure.
I recently have basically finished college (for the second time) and I feel a lot better finishing college this time around. The last time I finished college, I applied to university, I got offers...and then I turned them all down. The main reason for that is I wasn't entirely sure on the subjects I was doing at that college in terms of did I want to study them at a higher level, and I wasn't sure if I was really going to enjoy my university experience if I was studying those subjects.
Notice how I said that was the main reason. The other reason I think is largely to my anxiety. I feel so insanely ridiculous saying that - mainly because I know people I am no longer friends with will read this and want to scream at me for being such a chicken - but also because I have come so far with my anxiety since then.
I am so so glad that I went to another college and tried out another subject - Medical Science - which I love more than any of the subjects at the previous college, because now, leaving college for the second time, I have almost learnt how to handle my anxiety (I mean I'm still learning every day, of course!) and I have found my feet and feel a lot happier and certain on what I'm aiming to do at university (children's nursing), the universities I have applied for, the one university I have an offer from and want to go to, and who I am as a person.
Okay so that last bit may sound a little cliched and cheesy, but hear me out. So I am 19 going on 20 at the time in which I am writing this, and when I finished college 2 years ago for the first time, near enough all of my friends went to university, and those who took a gap year went to university the year after - when I was still at college. Although most people will agree that initially I seem like an outgoing person, the more you get to know me, the more you realise that yes, I can be outgoing, but my anxiety can skyrocket and I tend to sometimes hide in the shadows of my friends. Since my friends all went to uni and I went to another college, one where this time I knew no one...I had no shadows to hide in. It was just me. Yes this terrified me slightly, and anxiety skyrocketed the first few months of college...but then I settled in to myself, I made new friends - whose shadows I did not hide in and I was able to successfully find my own feet.
As a consequence of that, I no longer hide in the shadows of anyone and can proudly say I am my own person, and this academic year particularly, I have become a lot braver. I played main roles in an amateur show, I took up a ballet class where I knew nothing and no-one, I started talking to strangers more, I applied for university for a course I am passionate about and in a city I love, I signed up for a skydive, and potentially most importantly...I grew a freaking backbone.
That's not to say I let people walk all over me like a backbone, but I try at all costs to avoid confrontation. I hate it. If someone said something that offended me, or said something I didn't understand or agree with, then I wouldn't say anything or just leave it to save the hassle. Now, I use my words and speak up about what I think. Sometimes this leads to healthy discussions with people, sometimes this leads to heated discussions and sometimes this leads to arguments. I hate the latter, but that is normally because it starts off as a discussion, and the person I am having the discussion with is so opposed to other peoples' views and opinions that aren't their own, that they just start attacking me and shutting me down.
Sure, that's not fun, but hey, that's life. People are like that. And I look at what I am like now and I am happy. I still have a long way to go, my anxiety is still all-too-present, and I still make mistakes
And that leads us back to the title of this post. So that is a quote found in 'All I Know Now' a book written by the madly talented Carrie Hope Fletcher (I think that's right? Correct me if I am wrong! Also I recommend the book highly!) and I think it highly resonates with me. It's only now, when I no longer hide in shadows of friends and I sign up for things that I never would have done 4 years ago - skydives being a good example - that I realise that the way I used to be...I can't really call it living. I mean of course it was living and I still have amazing memories from back then...but because I was living with constant anxiety and worries, I wasn't really able to truly live and appreciate life itself.
And that doesn't man I have no anxiety and worries now - of course I do, and everyone has worries, but I'm a lot better at handling it so I can enjoy life for what it is now.
I know this was a rambly and long-winded post, but I really enjoyed writing it. I don't want my blog to feel restricted - I want to post what I want, and I view my blog as more of an open journal that everyone can read at their own leisure.
Until next time,
Leyla
xxx
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